-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
-I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
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-I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
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-The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
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-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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-Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
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-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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-If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
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-Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
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-I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
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-I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
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-Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
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-Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
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Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type
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When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.
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My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
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-If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
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-I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
